Unconscious Relationships: My Thoughts

My name is Emily, and I was in an unconscious relationship. The good news? Most young adults are, or were, too. The bad news? Most young adults don’t know they are, or were, in an unconscious relationship.

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A what? Author Eckhart Tolle thinks of an unconscious relationship as addictive: “There is a neediness and a clinging quality…You become addicted to the other person. He or she acts on you like a drug. You are on a high when the drug is available, but even the possibility or the thought that he or she might no longer be there for you can lead to jealousy, possessiveness, attempts at manipulation through emotional blackmail…If the other person does leave you, this can give rise to the most intense hostility or the most profound grief and despair.”

I define an unconscious relationship as being unaware, under a spell, as though you are making decisions and acting while drunk, because you are drunk — drunk on the other person’s “love” for you. It’s in quotation marks because I believe love can be misinterpreted and taken advantage of. Men and women tell you they love you before they are truly ready to make the compromises that loving someone entails.

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So, I was high on “love” big time. My innocence and inexperience before the relationship made me fall even harder, get even higher. And then, one day, the drug disappeared, and I crashed. Thanks to my sister-in-law’s advice and guidance, though, I sobered up pretty quickly.

Looking back now, from the outside, I notice it — the unconsciousness. I was young and naive. I didn’t know better. 

1. He is there to make you conscious, not happy.

I depended on him to feel happy. Good morning texts were everything. If I missed one, he got mad. If he missed one, I got sad.

I believed he made up the other half of me — that together, we made one. I never wanted to be half again. I’ve realized now that I never was and never will be half.

“Don’t ever place your happiness in someone’s hands. They’ll drop it. They’ll drop it every time.” 

2. Balance.

Create it. Although my relationship was going strong, nearly everything outside it failed. I let go of my friends. He didn’t. I saw less of my family and more of his. I got upset on my birthday when my mom asked for 30 minutes with me because that meant less time with him. Eckhart Tolle writes, “The feeling can become so intense that the rest of the world fades into insignificance.” And, that, is what happened to me.

3. Don’t talk about the future. I mean, do, but don’t.

Men — young adult men — talk a lot of shit. “I love you always and forever.” Bold — 2 absolutes in one sentence. “Without you I see no happy.” Read lesson no. 1. “We’re not a silly you’ll get over it later relationship.” No? Future you thinks differently. “There’s no one else like you meaning there’s no one else for me. I’ll never let you go.” But, you did. You get it. Nobody knows what will happen in the future, and talking about it will only lead to broken promises. I have no doubt he believed what he said in the moment, but you shouldn’t. A conscious relationship focuses on the present moment because that’s what’s real — there is no past and future, only present.

Why write this post?” I’m wondering. Perhaps to tell you about my unconscious relationship, but also to enlighten you in the hopes that you will be mindful in your present and future romantic relationships. 

“Why would you want a conscious relationship if you’re happy in an unconscious one?” you may ask. Here’s a thought: to avoid addiction. To not drift away from friends and family — the people who will always be there for you in life, who love and care about you.